


The Ex Factor (live shows)

by RachelIsWriting



Series: The Ex Factor [2]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Post-Break Up, crack me in half tony clay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:00:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25511707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachelIsWriting/pseuds/RachelIsWriting
Summary: Ben Mitchell has always dreamed about a music career, when he gets asked to be part of a new TV reality competition he jumps at the chance.Callum Highway is relishing in a new role as handler for contestants on a tv show, when he realises one of the people auditioning is someone he used to know.Will Ben reach for superstardom or realise the top prize is something (or someone) else entirely?
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: The Ex Factor [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1833694
Comments: 77
Kudos: 132





	1. Live show prep begins....

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to part two!
> 
> Thanks everyone for reading part one.
> 
> This part has not been beta read so any major mistakes please tell me!
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to my babykaykes, who has inspired a certain part of this chapter and for whom I shall be eternally grateful <3

The two weeks after the audition were absolutely chaotic for Ben. Arrangements needed making, and switching his brain on fully from the high of getting through to the main stage of the competition was first on his to do list.

Ben was lucky to have his own little flat above his brother Jay’s business, he worked part time there to cover his bills so he didn't even need to really hand his notice in. His brother had taken the news easily, he knew that Ben’s dreams were finally coming true and he was never going to stand in his way.

He was only allowed to tell a couple of people outside his immediate family but who did he really have to tell? He had a few people he knew in the bars and clubs he frequented when he was singing, a few guys he hooked up with when he needed an itch scratching but there was no-one outside of Jay and his mom that he wanted to know.

The only person who he would have told already knew.

 _He had invited Callum for a coffee the day after the auditions at a cafe just down the road from his flat. Jay thought it was a bad idea, confided that he was worried Ben would get too caught up in his past relationship and lose all focus on the competition. But Ben assured him that he needed to do this, and needed to speak to Callum before it all began._

_Ben had arrived first so placed the order for both of them, he was certain Callums coffee choice hadn't changed in the past two years, still liked his sugar with a side of coffee as Ben had always called it._

_Callum arrived and Ben tried not to let his smile get too big, tried not to squeeze him too tight when he was greeted with a warm hug. Fighting against his natural instincts to lean a little closer when they sat next to each other on the comfy sofa in the back of the coffee shop._

_“How’s your cup of sugar, sugar?” asked Ben when they had gotten settled._

_“Still pulling out the same old jokes I see,” Callum replied with a grin._

_“Look, when you find something that works you stick to it” Ben said around a laugh._

_The conversation flowed easier than Ben thought it would, but they skirted around big things. They discussed work and family, holidays and hobbies, favourite TV shows and concerts. They avoided the big things until they couldn't anymore._

_Ben was the first to breach the subject, segueing into it easily when Callum had asked where Ben was living now._

_“I um, I moved into Jays flat after we, you know, broke up. Jay was worried about me being alone where I was so he offered for me to be closer, his flat was empty and he said he’d give me mates rates on the rent so i couldn’t really turn him down” Ben explained, his eyes dropping to the rim of his coffee cup “I wasn’t really coping after, my roommate was being a total dick so I left, being around a bloke who brought people back to the flat every night wasn't really a fun reminder of the fact that I was alone”._

_“Ben” Callums voice interrupted softly._

_“No let me talk for a bit ok, otherwise I don’t think i’ll be able to get this out.”_

_Ben continued on, taking a deep breath and placing his coffee cup on the table in front of him._

_“I want you to know that I'm sorry, that towards the end of our relationship I admit that I wasn’t the greatest of boyfriends. I shouldn’t have chatted and flirted with those other guys but that was all that happened. I never cheated on you Cal, I couldn’t. I just wanted your attention, to see me again, see that I was wanted by other people. I didn’t think you wanted me anymore. I just wanted you to love me.”_

_Ben’s eyes met Callums, he blinked back the wetness that was attempting to fall as he listened to Callum begin to talk._

_“I always loved you Ben, too fucking much sometimes. The way you were acting towards me was awful, you spent most of your day glued to your phone. Every time we went out you were chatting to different guys, flirting and smiling, acting like a giddy schoolgirl, it was embarrassing Ben. You say you wanted my attention but all you did was push me away. I never thought you cheated but you certainly acted like you always had the option to.”_

_Ben’s eyes didn’t drop from Callum’s gaze the entire time. The embarrassment he felt over his past behaviour was crippling, he wanted nothing more than to forget, had tried so hard over the past two years to push it all away but he had to accept that Callum was right._

_“I just wanted you to still want to be there, I wanted to see if you would still be here even when you saw all the bad sides of me. Would stay even if I pushed you to leave.”_

_“I wanted to just love you Ben, you were everything to me and in the end I felt like I was nothing to you. How could I stay?”_

_Ben reached forward and grabbed Callum's hand, rubbed the pad of his thumb against Callums knuckles._

_“I didn’t want to leave Ben, over the past two years I have wanted to reach out to you so many times, but I convinced myself that you didn’t want me, or you would have reached out first. Chased after me. Told me i was wrong and that you loved me the way I loved you”_

_“I did want to chase you Callum, watching you walk out of my life meant I had to watch the walls around me crumble too. I didn’t think i would ever fall in love, and that meant that I didn’t think my heart would break but it did. I have searched everywhere to find someone that I thought could love me the way you did but I couldn’t, I only found pain”_

_“You know this can’t happen Ben, the hurt we caused each other isn’t something that can be fixed by a cup of coffee and a heart to heart. I’ve spent two years trying to forget you and when you walked up to me it felt like my heart was about to be broken all over again”_

_Ben focused his gaze on his and Callum’s conjoined hands, focused on the smooth movement he was making as he brushed his thumb back and forth. Tried to match his breathing to the motion, back and forth, in and out._

_He felt Callum’s free hand make its way to the back of his neck, Callums thumb pressed into the space underneath his ear. He looked back up into blue eyes, wanted to see through them like he was always able to._

_“This competition is what you always wanted, this is your dream Ben. No matter what I am feeling at this moment this is still my job. I can’t let myself imagine any sort of well, anything really for as long as this is happening.”_

_Ben pressed his head closer to the hand that was on his neck, cradling his head gently. Gripped his other hand in his as tight as he could. If this was the only moment he would have then he was going to hold on for as long as possible._

_“If you want to try again, we can make decisions after this ends. I’m not going to deny any feelings I have for you Ben, I never could. You walked back into my life and it's like you never went. I don’t know how you feel that but this is it for now. If my bosses found out about you, about our past I would lose my job and you would lose your place in the competition. I could never do that to myself and I especially could not do that to you. Please tell me something, anything. Please”_

_“I would never do that to you, this is all I have ever dreamed about. You being here, and sharing this with me is better than I could ever imagine. I want to find out what can happen between us again, but you are right, it can’t be to the detriment of the competition. We have both worked too hard for this. I know what I want Callum, that isn’t going to change”_

_Bens felt the hand on the back of his neck tighten as Callum pulled them closer together, he closed his eyes as Callum kissed his forehead. They stayed like that for a few moments before Callum pulled away, dropped the hand that was holding Ben’s, removed the hand from Ben’s neck and then he stood up and left._

Their conversation played over and over in Ben’s mind in the lead up to the competition. The production company had hired a big house in London for all of the competitors to stay in. When Ben had heard this he had panicked they would all be in bunk beds in a dorm room but they all had been given lovely huge rooms with attached bathrooms. Ben relished in knowing that he would have that privacy. As much as he acted like he was Mr. Social, he also needed time to himself, so having a room he could escape to was something he was excited about. 

The first couple of days in the house was spent with the production team giving them run throughs of how everything worked, how things would be filmed and how the live shows would work. They had access to vocal coaches, choreo teams and a wardrobe and make-up department. They would be working closely with all of them, perfecting their songs, their performances and also the way they looked.

The judges would now be known as their mentors and they oversaw everything, made music decisions, stage dressing and also had input on how they wanted each act to look. The contestant had final say in everything, nobody would be forced to do anything they didn't feel was natural to them. Ben was grateful to this as he was anxious about what ridiculous things Motor was going to force him to do.

The house itself was huge, his bedroom was next door to Frankies which he was grateful for, could imagine a few nights would be spent together chatting and watching the small selection of DVDs they had been given. The downstairs was one large communal space, a huge seating area that had a few fixed cameras in, that footage would be used for the “Shuffle Playlist” show, a TV show that would run on the online streaming platform that was also showing the main show.

There was a large kitchen and dining room that Ben could see he would be spending most of his time in, the amount of snacks provided was unreal and Ben was very much a stress eater.

There were also two extra bedrooms. Ben had discovered this on the third day when Callum and Eddie turned up with their luggage ready to move in. Eddie explained that they were to act as chaperones for the contestants, a continuation of the job they were doing during the audition process which also meant that he would be keeping a beady eye on them 24/7. There was to be no secret romances, no cheeky late night hook ups. Anyone even looking at anyone the wrong way would be out on their ear.

Ben smiled at Callum when Eddie was explaining all this until he felt a pull on his sleeve.

“I think that includes Callum, so don’t even think about it” Frankie said into his ear. “Shame though, I still think he is fit”

“Keep that to yourself Frank, although i’d like to see you try and climb that tree”

“All i’m saying is that he could crack me in half, and I would let him”

Ben let out an unholy snort laugh at that, breaking the silence in the room around them. Everyone too focused on Eddie's instructions to even think about anything else. A room full of heads turned to look at where he was, Callums eyebrows reaching his forehead when Ben looked at him.  
“Sorry” Ben said in a panicked voice “Water went down the wrong way” he showed the water bottle that was in hand, grateful he had it nearby and could use it for a cover story.

Now it was day four and rehearsals were about to begin. Ben had been woken by a soft knock to his door and when he went to answer it there was a piece of folded paper being shoved underneath the door. He reached down to open it and inside was simply written. 

Good luck today, find me if you need me. I am so excited for you to begin your future, try not to forget about me when you are famous C x 

\-----


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Live show prep continues with final rehearsals.
> 
> Updates every Saturday at 8pm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your lovely comments and for reading!
> 
> This hasn’t been beta read so any glaring problems please let me know :)

While preparation continued the show had landed on British TV, they were showing it every Saturday and Sunday for the 4 weeks before the live shows started. Because they didn't have access to social media accounts Ben wasn’t able to see the reactions to anyone's audition. They were allowed to watch the show as it aired and he was really happy with the way he came across in his own audition, although watching himself on TV was bizarre.

Because they didn't have their own phones, the only contact they had with friends and family was a video call 3 times a week that was filmed for the show. Ben wasn’t really struggling with this aspect, his friendship group wasn’t exactly large so he wasn’t really feeling homesick. Waking up most mornings to a handwritten note from Callum certainly helped as well.

The last week before the final audition shows were spent filming the inserts that would be on before they performed, meeting with the wardrobe department to decide on their show outfit and finalising rehearsals. They also had a one on one meeting with their mentor which would be filmed so Ben knew he had to be on his best behaviour although he still bristled whenever he saw Motor.

Watching the program just highlighted how much of a dick Motor could be to the people auditioning, in a way Ben was grateful for this because he knew it wasn’t just aimed at him but also it just wound him up more that Motor was supposed to be the one person in the show he could rely on.

The mentor meeting was going to be where Ben performed the song on the filming stage for Motor, acting as if it was the live show so there would be dancers, lighting and Ben would be in full show makeup and outfit.

The show would each week be following a theme and the first week's show would be “This is me”. Ben had been chosen to perform last and would be closing out the show with his performance of High Hopes. His view of this was you either want to be first or last as he wanted to stay as fresh in the mind of the voting public as possible, especially as for the first two weeks two contestants would be going home.

When Ben walked onto the stage for the first time in full wardrobe with everyone waiting for him he was overwhelmed, he hadn’t really had time to think about everything too much, his days filled with preparations and his nights were spent falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. So that first breath, that first step into the bright lights was something he hadn’t prepared himself for.

He stood in silence, ignoring the buzz of people around him, crew members shouting instructions at each other and camera crews blocking their positions ready for the show in a couple of days. This part would be filmed by a single camera to be used in the pre roll for Bens performance.

He was broken out of his reverie by a loud american voice shouting his order for a coffee to a haggard looking PA followed by a hand thumping on his shoulder in greeting.

“Mitchell, let me look at you, make sure wardrobe has played up your pretty face. Girls on twitter are going wild about you so we need to make sure they have more reason to love you.”

“Not really my target market Motor, but you are the boss”

“Gay, straight or whatever as long as you are getting attention it means the show is getting attention and thats all I want” Motor moved forward to where the judges seating was and sat himself down “Now sing like your life depends on it, which as two people are going this week there is a chance one of them could be you”

“Thanks for the faith and unending support Motor” Ben said as he moved to his first spot on the stage, crew members milling around him to check the lighting would be right.

“Win the show and you can have as much support as you want”

Ben laughed at Motor’s brazen attitude and waited for his cue to begin.

\-----

Callum had never been so busy at work in his life, he was constantly being pulled from pillar to post. He was sitting in on rehearsals for all of the contestants, being with them when they were filming the drabble interviews that would be used as filler for the show. He was their ear to bend when they couldn’t speak to anyone else due to limited access to people outside of their in show bubble. He was also trying to not single anyone out, making sure that every contestant felt that he was there for them and that they were not alone.

Living in a group house with everyone taking part in the show was chaotic at times, being surrounded by a group of people who were born to be stars could be hard on him sometimes. They were loud, exuberant and some of them thought they were already multi platinum recording artists. This had led to a couple of clashes in the house but Callum and Eddie had soon been able to seperate the main people who were the problem.

Callum got on with some people better than others, May often found out his company and he loved spending time with her. They shared an easy friendship and as they were both early risers they often spent the first hour in the morning together drinking coffee and chatting about nothing and everything. 

Then there was Ben, trying to keep their previous relationship under the radar had been hard for the first couple of weeks but as soon as Callum stopped being so paranoid that he was the one being watched he stopped worrying so much about being found out. That didn’t stop him leaving little notes under Ben's door, they weren’t long declarations of love and were sometimes simply funny doodles, or snippets of things he had seen that day. When he did have to interact with Ben for the show they both acted as neutral as possible, Callum being as professional as possible and Ben treating him and Eddie the same.

It was messing with his head though, he was trying to reconcile the Ben he knew before with this version of Ben. This was Ben on his best behaviour, the Ben that was aiming for what he had always wanted. Callum knew first hand what happened when Ben got what he wanted and what he would do to get there, their previous relationship had soured last time when Callum was kept as a secondary fixture, something unimportant to whatever Ben was thinking about at the time. 

So even though he was incredibly busy with his job, he was grateful for the distraction it brought. He knew that when the show was over he would be able to figure out what he really wanted. This job was everything to him, so was Ben, but that turned to shit last time. So he needed to know if the second chance was what he wanted, was what he needed.

\-----


	3. Liveshow Week One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time for live show week one
> 
> Category is? “This is Me”
> 
> Ben’s song this week is High Hopes by Panic! At the disco https://open.spotify.com/track/1rqqCSm0Qe4I9rUvWncaom?si=djoTfa6WRXe_y4vdETbM7w

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta read, let me know if I suck
> 
> Babykaykes, Babybel and Red <3
> 
> Has everyone figured out who the judges are based on yet? Let me know in the comments
> 
> Also yes I based two of the other characters in this fic on another one of my ships. That might be a recurring feature as we meet more of the acts.
> 
> The results show will be at the start of next weeks chapter because my brain is sad right now.

“Hi guys I’m Rylan Clarke- Neal and you are watching Create New Playlist, TV’s newest hunt for the next singing superstar”

Ben was sitting watching the show backstage, they were all in one large green room where they were waiting until they had performed, or had already performed. This made the atmosphere in the room slightly frantic. Peoples nerves were buzzing all around them, personalities clashing between those who were excited and those who were terrified. Ben had quickly found Frankie and they did their normal routine of finding the quietest corner possible and hiding away until they were needed.

Frankie had performed second and her song choice had gone down well. The judges had praised her tone and the way she had handled the song itself. Ben was so proud of her as he felt she had done the best of the 9 acts that had performed so far.  
As well as the screens of the show itself there was also a screen that was showing filtered tweets from Twitter accounts that had used the hashtag for the show, this was making for interesting viewing as the contestants were able to see the public's reaction to the acts as they were performing.

May was next up to perform and Ben was watching Callum intently as he was glued to the largest of the screens showing the stage, Ben had noticed that May and Callum had seemed to hit it off, he often came down to the kitchen in the morning to them huddled over empty coffee mugs and laughing together.

Not that Ben cared, not one bit, not at all.

“May fancies him as well you know?”

Ben’s thoughts were broken by Frankies words.

“May fancies who?Hang on, what do you mean as well?!”

“Callum, both of you have big ol’ crushes on him”

“May has a crush on Callum?”

“Bloody hell keep up Benny boy, yes Callum, giant hands, hair that you want to run your fingers through and thighs that you want to… Anyway. Yes a crush with a capital C. She reckons that he’s interested as well but obviously they can’t do anything what with her being on the show”

“Yeah I'm sure that’s the reason” Ben rolled his eyes.

His first thought was to panic about the fact that his feelings for Callum were obvious, the second was that there was a chance Callum wanted May?even after what Callum had said. His face must have showing the internal struggle as he felt Frankies eyes on him.

“Jealousy doesn’t look good on you Ben” Frankie laughed, reaching over and poking him in the cheek.

They sat in relative silence for the next twenty minutes, Frankie holding a running commentary on the other performances and Ben trying not to vibrate out of his skin.

He was already so anxious about the show he was desperately trying to compartmentalise his feelings regarding Frankies news, he had to lock it away until he had time to think about it more. Luckily he was soon being called to go by a crew member as his turn was next.

Frankie wished him luck and pulled him into a tight hug then off he went. He was dragged through final make up checks, the vocal instructor ran him through some last minute vocal warm ups. He had earpods plugged into his ears so he could hear his version of the song one last time. These were quickly pulled out and replaced with an ear piece for him to hear his cues and his backing track. He was greeted and wished good luck by nearly every crew member he happened across but one face suddenly appeared in front of his. The one face he knew he needed to see. 

“You don’t need luck Ben, just be yourself, just put your whole heart into this and they will love you” Callum squeezed his hand tightly as he spoke then disappeared again as quickly as he appeared.

He heard the noise of the crowd, reacting to the judging of the previous contestant, cheering and booing and everything in between. He heard the voice of the host thanking them for their performance and reminding everyone at home how to vote, then his world went silent as they introduced “Ben Mitchell” and his video pre roll was shown on the main stage. That's when he felt a warm hand on his arm and he was being slowly pulled onto stage to hit his first spot.

The lights were flashing in his eyes as he walked along to where he was starting off, he had to shield against their brightness in order to see where he was. He could hear his voice loudly in the open arena, the murmurs from the crowd echoing around him.

A wave of sudden nausea hit him, anxiety flooded his veins as he knew the reality of what was about to happen. He reached the small marking that he was to stand on, looking around him at the stage that was filled with props and dancers, cameras manned by crew members and cameras on long arms ready to film wide angles and crowd reactions. 

He could see the judges panel in front of him, the three of them sat on big extravagant chairs, he wasn’t close enough to see their faces, the lights were too bright for him to focus too hard but Matty shot him a double thumbs up which he returned.

Then there was suddenly a noise in his ear, and a voice said “counting down in ten” and he lost all focus on anything but the beating of his heart, the loud thudding taking over all of him.

9 thud  
8 thud  
7 thud  
6 “Remember to breathe Ben”  
5 thud  
4 thud  
3  
2  
1

His eyes adjusted to the brightness and the anxiety disappeared, all the nausea and the fear leaving him in a rush as the first note of his song hit and he took a huge breath and did what he was born to do.

\-----

Callum was glued to the screen as soon as he left Ben backstage, joining a nervous Frankie and an over excited May.

“I think he’s going to be ok Callum” Frankie said in a reassuring tone.

“It’s Ben, he’ll be fine you've seen him perform” May said as she stroked his arm.

“Didn’t see you get this nervous about anyone else apart from May” Frankie said shooting May a knowing glance, to which May blushed.

“It's the final performance of the first show, it's a lot to put on his shoulders. We all know how much he wants this moment to go well” Callum replied ignoring Frankies mischievous tone.

“Doesn’t explain why you are this enthralled though Cal, unless you are _extra_ invested in our Benny boy here?”

May turned her head to Frankie but Callum simply waved her comments away with a murmur of dissent, focusing completely on the fact that Ben was about to start singing.

“Ben Mitchell” Rylan announced on screen as the camera scanned across the audience to where Ben was standing.

Callum was amazed at how handsome Ben looked, how good he looked on the stage. Wardrobe had put him in a fitted black leather jacket, tight fit dark ripped denim jeans that were cut off at the ankles and he was wearing clean white trainers that practically sparkled in the bright lights.(The glimpse of ankle had Callum swooning like he was in Victorian times). His eyes were rimmed with a smokey black liner, wardrobe having decided to play up Ben’s “bad boy” aesthetic for the show.

Ben’s presence filled the stage as he began to perform, Callum could tell he was nervous, but soon Ben came into himself. Callum knew when Ben was truly in “stage mode” and he was certainly in it now, every close up showing the passion in his face, the power he was putting into the words he was singing.

The audience were really into it, when the cameras showed shots of the crowd they were clapping and singing along. The camera focusing on the judges whereMotor was sitting back in his chair with his arms crossed, Matthew was clapping his hands, smiling wide and whispering to Sofia who looked just as into Ben's performance as the crowd was.

Callum loved this Ben.

Loved the Ben that was on stage, performing the way he was born to do, trying to make people as happy as he was when he was singing.

This Ben glowed and Callum loved every part of him.

He knew he was screwed.

\-----

As Ben hit the final note he felt like his eyes were fully open, his breath had been pulled from him by the adrenaline rush that hit as soon as the first word left his mouth. He had never felt like that before when he was performing, he had been on stage in front of a crowd hundreds of times before but this was on another level.

This was what he always wanted, this was his dream coming true.

He walked from his final position to the front of the stage to receive the criticism from the judges, his ears were full of rapturous applause from the audience and also the manic beating of his heart.

He tried to level out his breathing as Rylan joined him where he needed to stand, waiting for the crowd to settle and the judges to begin to speak. After a few moments Rylan spoke into the microphone in his hand to signal to the crowd to calm down and they all began to quieten so that the first judge could give their critique. 

Motor was the first to talk.

“Well, I don’t know where you pulled that from Mitchell but hell if that song didn’t just sound like it was written for you” He stopped to signal with his hands to the other judges next to him “These guys better realise that you have just made yourself a force to be reckoned with and no-one else here could have closed the show like you did, proud of you man well done”

The crowd cheered wildly at Motor's reaction while Ben stood in a state of shock. Motor loved his audition? He was proud of him? He could do nothing but stand there with cameras pointed at him trying not to let all the emotions bubbling inside of him break the surface.

He felt Rylan’s hand on his arm “Are you ok Ben?” Ben gave him a small smile as reply, barely able to even form words at this point.

“Sofia, tell us what you think” Rylan practically shouted into the microphone he was holding in his hand, trying to speak over the crowd that was still being rowdy.

“Ben Ben Ben” Sofia said slowly, waiting for her voice to break the noise levels. “Ben, I knew from your first audition that there was something special about you and after that performance my intuition has proved right. Motor is lucky to have you on his team and as I know you chose this song yourself, I hope he continues to let you have that control. Nobody knows your truth better than you, afford yourself the freedom to continue singing from your heart.”

Knowing that the crowd volume was kicking up a notch Rylan quickly asked Matthew his opinion, not allowing Ben a chance to breathe and register truly Sofias words.

“Smashed it mate, what else can i say? Bloody smashed it”

The crowd kicked off then, as did Ben's body. Tears pricked his eyes and his body started to feel the effects of the adrenaline rushing through it. Rylan could see the panic in Ben's eyes when he turned to speak to him so simply said “Well that's pretty much the best reaction we’ve had all night if you want to see Ben go through to next week’s shows then watch the instructions in this recap”

The production crew signified that the live part of the show was currently on pause as they showed a pre recorded video of all the nights performances and how to vote. The results would be shown on a short live show the following day.

Ben was taken off stage by Eddie who passed him a bottle of water and made sure that he was ok. Ben didn't know if he was, he knew he had performed well, the crowd had reacted well and all the judges seemed to love it but Ben’s adrenaline had turned into anxiety which was slowly turning into panic.

He walked back into the waiting room with Eddie, the other man knowing that Ben seemed to be struggling so doing little more than wrapping his arm around his shoulder as he walked offering Ben some comfort in that moment. Comfort that Ben accepted willingly.

“For someone who just kicked all of our asses you look like you've been hit with a truck, what's wrong with you Benny boy?” Frankie shouted as she saw him enter, her huge smile slipping as she realised his face was panic stricken and not open to jokes. She ran forward and pulled him into a hug, he nestled his head into her shoulder before pulling back and looking over her shoulder.

Blue.

Blue eyes met his and all Ben wanted to do was run into someone else's arms.

Blue eyes sparkled with pride and also fear at the Ben that looked back at him.

But those arms were not for him in this moment, so he accepted the arms that he was in, the love that he was receiving and closed his eyes.

All the while being watched by the one that wanted him back.

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! See you next Saturday 
> 
> I’m on twitter as NO JUDGEMENT @ tonysthighs come see me post about my friends fics more than anything else because they are awesome and I love them


	4. Live show two - Big Band week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Week two of the live shows - category is “Big Band”
> 
> There is now a Spotify playlist for this fic! It contains all the songs Ben has sung so far if you wish to look at it <3
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4jRNorM9LpTGN3rwPJFzDt?si=B2qcXBzuRoKW5UZKWkxoog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for always reading and commenting.
> 
> Not beta read but my babies have read it and didn’t say there was anything wrong so blame them not me.
> 
> Yes he is wearing the wedding suit so you are welcome for that visual.

Results:

Through - Ben, Stan, Scarlett and Kathryn (Motors team), May, Max and Tony (Sofias team) and Frankie, Mickey and Bella (Matthews team).  
Bottom two - Blanche (Sofias team) and Dorothy (Matthews team)

After the rush of getting through first on the results show Ben had woken up early on Monday morning filled with adrenaline and excitement for the week to come. The sudden drop after he came off stage was gone, his head full of nothing but noise from the crowd screaming when his name was announced to go through. The buzz of anxiety that normally flooded his veins had been replaced with a tingle like static electricity thanks to the praise he had received from the judges.

There was a strict routine that they had to follow in the week leading up to Saturday nights live show. Monday was their “day off”, they didn't have any rehearsals or meetings and were basically left in the house to their own devices, even able to use the house phone to speak to family and friends if they wish. Obviously there were fixed cameras that recorded the communal areas but they were pretty much left alone. 

Ben had every intention to enjoy the day alone, he was going to fix a huge bowl of cereal and hide in his room until eventually Frankie dragged him out to work out with her in the gym built onto the side of the house. He had plans to write, had some lyrics stuck in his head that he wanted to get out. They were not fully formed songs, just words that ran through his head often enough that he needed to write them down, make sense of them outside of the confines of his cluttered brain.

He had also intended to avoid Callum. They hadn’t spoken since Saturday, after Ben had performed and Eddie had rushed him backstage into the green room. Frankie had hugged him, Eddie had made sure he was ok even going so far as to get the on crew medic to check his oxygen levels. He was fine though, just coming down from an adrenaline high.

What was’t fine was Callum grabbing his hand, squeezing it tight and just staring at him. Looking into those blue eyes and waiting for something to be said. Eyes flickering down to lips, across the strong jaw and onto those funny ears that Callum hated but Ben thought was cute.

He wanted to say every word that ever crossed his mind, wanted to sing every lyric that he ever attached to those eyes, that face, that man, but instead he had nothing to say. He had no chance to say anything before a camera was stuck in his face and the bubbly host of the follow up show was asking him how he felt about his performance.

So his plan for Monday was to wallow, to fill his head with words that didn't rhyme with blue, that didn't compare things to azure seas, or cerulean pools of ice cold water. To eat cereal and be alone, then to work out some of his issues on the punch bag while shit talking the other contestants with Frankie.

That was until he walked into the kitchen to Callum hugging May, to her smile being pressed into a broad chest, to a grinning Callum laughing at a joke they were sharing. Until he walked into a room that silenced the buzz of the crowd and filled it with something else entirely.

\---

The rest of the week was filled with noises, of the band he was performing with, of arguments with Motor about song choices and staging choices. With conversations about Frankie that lasted late into the night, about everything but the one thing he wanted to tell her.

It was filled with music and lyrics as he put pen to paper, writing stanzas filled with everything he wanted to say out loud just to get them out of his head. To stop them bouncing and reverberating round and around.

He still received notes from Callum but they were quickly hidden in his lyric book in his drawer, unopened and unread. He had enough words of his own he didn't need Callums filtering through. He avoided him entirely, seeking out Eddie if he needed any help.

If he wasn't rehearsing, with Frankie or being filmed he was in his room alone. He sang and sang, he practiced every minute movement for his performance needing it to flow so easily on the night no-one would see through him, look into his eyes and perceive him, open up his brain and let the sounds pour out.

It had taken a long time to figure out the song Ben wanted to perform for that week's show. The theme was Big Band, a category Ben knew inside and out. A lifetime of singing Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin at karaoke and in pubs and clubs, singing for drunk women who wanted him and drunk men who wanted him to shut up.

A lifetime of belting out tunes written to make people swoon, to make them dance and feel that falling in love was the best thing you can do. So finding the one song out of all of those that didn't sound like he was on stage at his local, wasn’t singing to a crowd made up of drunk people and the two people he dragged with him most weekends.

It took some arguing and finally he found one, one that was still the love song Motor wanted for him to perform but also fitted in with his true feelings in that moment, always looking for the lyric that the crowd would miss but the one person he was singing for would hear it.

So now it was Saturday and he was backstage getting ready to perform. The wardrobe department had put him in a maroon red suit, fitted in all the right places, the top two buttons on his shirt open underneath a waistcoat. They had wanted to add a tie, but Ben had fought against it, arguing that it looked more like he was going to someone's wedding than performing on stage. There was no eyeliner today, just slicked back hair and a smattering of stubble.

Ben knew he looked good, he knew he sounded good but in this case appearances can be deceiving. But he also knew how to blag it, to fill himself with an outward confidence which belied the person underneath.

So he waited backstage, then the words and the images and the buzz filtered away again, and the noise of the crowd was all he could hear as Rylan announced his name. And Ben did what he always did, swallowed the truth and whacked a smile on his face knowing that if everyone saw a smile they wouldn’t need to look any further. 

Wouldn't see him.

_“Say nighty night and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me, while i’m alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me”_

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m on twitter @ tonysthighs if you want to say hi


	5. Live show 3 “Heartbeat or Heartbreak”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Live show Week 3
> 
> Category is Heartbeat or Heartbreak
> 
> Spotify playlist is https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4jRNorM9LpTGN3rwPJFzDt?si=vdrP6vQSRSiSnCf-7tsQLA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look sometimes you have an idea for a song and I need you all to just imagine this is something that could happen in British TV, if you don’t know what the song Ben sings is, and what the iconic music video is for it then google is your friend ;)
> 
> Also myself and my muses are all about the angst and the yearning so that’s why everyone seems to be struggling.
> 
> My days are filled with thinking of songs that could suit Ben and Callum’s relationship, so rip to my Spotify algorithm

Results:

Through - Ben, Scarlett and Kathryn (Motors team), May and Tony (Sofias team) and Frankie, Mickey and Bella (Matthews team).  
Bottom two - Stan (Motors team) and Max (Sofias team)

Callums days were getting busier and busier, surrounded by people who needed him nearly all the time, asking for attention, affection and assistance. He understood the pressure everyone appearing on the show was under and the fact that they had basically been taken out of normal everyday life, living in this intense bubble without their usual home comforts. He was everyone's shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to their worries and calm their anxieties the best that he could.

He said everyone, but it really wasn't.

Ben always sought out Eddie instead of Callum, choosing to ignore the offers of help Callum made to knock on Eddie's door instead. Callum couldn't remember the last time he and Ben had had more than a stilted conversation, had even spoken alone. 

That didn’t mean Callum hadn't tried to speak to Ben, was still leaving little notes for him under his door nearly every morning, but they weren't exactly epic poems. more often than not they were just little drawings, snippets of thoughts he wanted to share with Ben.

It was starting to piss him off, this is what happened last time they were together, what started the beginning of the end for Callum. Ben pushing him away, not wanting to communicate when Callum knew that Ben was struggling. Ben finding other people to talk to, to reach out to instead of choosing Callum as the person he should be confiding in.

Callum understood that this situation was different, that there were many other factors at play, but the basis was still the same, in fact this time it was actually Callums job to do that for Ben. But still Ben pushed away, and this time Callum felt himself going.

So he focused on everyone else, those who actually needed him, developing relationships with them so that they knew he was someone they could count on. Someone that made them feel that they weren't so alone, that there was someone in their corner. The problem with this was some people were relying on Callum a bit too much, seeking him out whenever they weren't working on stuff for the live show, asking him for advice and wanting to chat. Mainly May.

She really was a lovely person, but she was also incredibly sensitive and was feeling very homesick. So she needed more attention than most people, needed to feel that she had a friend, and she needed to feel that Callum was this person.

Callum also wasnt stupid, he could tell that her feelings towards him were more than friendly. She was very flirty with him, touching him and giggling at his jokes. Callum knew he wasn't that funny, and to be honest unless it was someone he was interested in he was a rubbish flirt. His biggest line to Ben was _“I’d do you in a heartbeat”_ something which he still blushed over to this day.

But Callum just chose to ignore this, just tried to be as friendly as he could, not responding to her flirting with anything more than a smile. Eddie was choosing to wind him up about it constantly, shooting winks at him across the room whenever he spoofed them together, making sure that they ended up sitting together whenever they were sat in a group watching the rehearsals. 

He was also sure that Ben had noticed, and was one of the reasons that Ben seemed to be avoiding him. One morning while Callum and May were having breakfast Ben walked into the kitchen, Callum tried to say hi to him but all the words he knew left his mind when he saw what Ben was wearing. 

After they had broken up Callum had noticed that his favourite grey hoodie had gone missing, but obviously not. As Ben was now standing in front of him wearing it, just the soft grey hoodie and a pair of boxers. If this was a cartoon callum was pretty sure his tongue would have unfurled out of his mouth and hit the breakfast bar in front of him. Instead he had to just swallow down the cereal he was eating, it suddenly turned to sawdust in his mouth.

He couldn't take his eyes off Ben, knowing that Ben had taken his hoodie and was still wearing it. The way that it was too large on Ben’s smaller frame, the arms too long giving him sweater paws. Callum tried his hardest to not stare directly at Ben's arse when Ben reached up into one of the higher cabinets , fighting against every part of his brain that was screaming at him to do so. So instead he brought his eyes down to his bowl, focusing as intently as he could so he didn't look like a perv. May kept trying to talk to him, her words going in one ear and out the other.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his lower back, and Ben's arm reached in between him and May placing a cup of coffee in front of Callum. As Ben pulled his arm back, Callum turned to speak to him to say thank you, but Ben had already gone, walking out of the kitchen with his own breakfast without even looking or speaking to Callum. Of course the coffee was exactly how Callum always took it.

And now it was Saturday, it was Callum’s week to stand backstage with the acts and escort them on and off stage, making sure they were in the right place at the right time, at least this meant he had some time to speak to Ben, try and get more than small smiles and broken sentences out of him.

So as Callum walked back into the green room to collect Ben he was slightly anxious about it, knowing he didn't want to push too hard when Ben was under such pressure at that moment. But also he didn't want Ben to go without knowing that Callum was worried about what was happening between them, to reassure him that nothing was happening between him and May.

But the atmosphere in the green room was tense, Ben and Frankie were having a conversation in one corner while Eddie was consoling a nervous looking May in another.

“Callum, over here May needs you” Eddie shouted when he saw callum.

“I can’t, i've got to take Ben backstage now”

“But May doesn’t want my help, she needs you” Eddie said with another wink “I’ll take Ben”

“I’m taking Ben, sorry May you’ll have to put up with Eddie for now” Callum said while walking towards Ben and Frankie.

The pair were huddled together, whispering loud enough for Callum to hear every word. Neither noticed as Callum neared them.

“I fucking hate her Frank, snivelling all the time trying to get everyone’s attention its winding me right up” Ben said, words falling harshly out of his mouth.

Frankie rolled her eyes at his comments “You know you are only saying that because she's got Callum wrapped around her little finger and you are jealous of her”

Ben spat out, cheeks reddening “I’m not jealous, she’s welcome to him”

It was at that point Frankie realised that Callum was behind them and practically jumped out of her skin “Oh HIIIIIII Callum” she shouted trying to shut Ben up.

Ben's head turned to where Callum was standing, Ben’s mouth pulled into a tight line, hands fisted at his side.

Callum was stunned into silence by what he just heard, but desperately tried not to let it show on his face, not wanting Ben or Frankie to know that he had overheard anything.

Heard the truth. Ben didn't want him, was avoiding him because he was shit at letting Callum down lightly. Callum knew all this, had thought all this but when faced with the truth he was in fear of crumbling right to the ground. Callum bit down the angry tears that were threatening to fall and simply told Ben that he was due on stage and they needed to go.

He turned and left the room hoping that Ben took the hint and followed him, shortly after he felt a tugging on his arm. He tried to ignore it and carried on walking.

“Callum slow down, please i wanted to talk to you” Ben said, his hand stroking down Callums arm and fitting his fingers in between Callums, squeezing their hands together.

Callum stopped and turned fully to where Ben was now standing, looking down at their linked hands, before taking a deep breath and saying “That would be a first, you haven't wanted to speak to me for days Ben, but at least now i know why”

Callum watched as Ben reacted to Callums words, squeezing their hands together harder, his other hand reaching out to touch Callum's face “Cal, it's not like that, please”

“It's always _like that_ Ben, me waiting for you, wondering why you weren’t talking to me. I’m not fragile Ben, if you weren’t interested anymore you should have just said instead of me happening to overhear it when you tell someone else”

Callums breath was becoming shallow, his shame at having this conversation merging with his anger at the whole situation.

Ben’s hand on Callums face dropped back to his side, Ben’s face changing instantly “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m fed up you spending all your time with her, shes like a fucking limpet, i can’t see you without her being there”

Callums anger began to spill out, the tension becoming unbearable, not being able to stop himself he spat out “Because she actually wants to spend time with me Ben, actually wants my help, doesn’t give me the cold shoulder”

“No she seems lovely and warm towards you, i could see why you aren’t turning that down”

“There’s nothing to turn down Ben, I'm not interested.

“That’s not what Eddie says, and May herself is pretty damn sure that you and her are basically a done deal”

“What?” Callum was exasperated, what the fuck did that mean? He focused his atention on the way Ben’s hand was still in his. The gentle movement of Ben’s thumb across Callums knuckle grounding him, its softness a vast difference to the hard conversation they were having.

It was at that time that the radio Callum was wearing burst into life, someone screaming at him to get Ben backstage right now. Callum came back to earth with a bang, remembered exactly where they were, why they couldn't have this conversation.

Realising the seriousness of what could happen if he didn't do his job, how many people were probably trying to find them, what could happen if they were discovered? So he turned on his heel and dragged Ben along with him by the hands they still had linked together.

When they reached backstage Callum pulled Ben into a small dark corner, the rest of the crew hidden from their view “We haven't got time for this Ben, just know my feelings haven't changed, but i can’t play this game with you anymore” 

“I’m not playing a game Cal, can we talk later, please?”

Callum looked down into Ben's eyes, blue rimmed with smokey black, sparkling with unshed tears. His own eyes probably relayed the same to Ben as he stared back at him.

“Later”

“And you don't like May?”

Callum smiled “And i don't like May”

“And you still like me?” Ben said with a wide smile on his face, a vast difference from the last few minutes.

“I’ll think about it, now get on stage and win this thing please”

Before anyone noticed Ben stood on his tip toes and pressed a kiss into Callum’s cheek, slowly releasing this hand and rushing onto the stage where Rylan was announcing his name. Callum closed his eyes and reached his fingers to his face, feeling the burn of the kiss seared into his skin.

\-----

_Rylan Clark-Neal - Hi everyone this week's category is “Heartbeat or Heartbreak” and I have literally no clue how he got Motor to agree to this and we might get a few interesting complaints so that's something to look forward to tomorrow morning. But for now here's Ben Mitchell singing an absolute classic,Ii for one am looking forward to the backing dancers. Loving the outfit Ben_

_My world was shattered, I was torn apart,Like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart, When you walked out that door I swore that I didn't care, But I lost everything, darlin', then and there._

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for commenting.
> 
> I’m on tumblr as RachelIsWritingfic
> 
> And twitter as @ tonysthighs


	6. Chapter 6 “Movie Week”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Live show Week 4
> 
> Category is Movie week
> 
> Spotify playlist is https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4jRNorM9LpTGN3rwPJFzDt?si=vdrP6vQSRSiSnCf-7tsQLA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always this goes to my wonderful friends who love me irregardless of the fact that I don’t fancy whatshisface from Robron
> 
> Also I’m just going to say lamp.
> 
> If you have forgotten Richie is Eddies boyfriend (yes that is reddie, yes I love Bill Hader shut up) who works as editor for the show :)
> 
> No beta reading, we die like warriors

Chapter 6

Results:

Through - Ben and Kathryn (Motors team), May and Tony (Sofias team) and Frankie and Bella (Matthews team).  
Bottom two - Scarlett (Motors team) and Mickey (Matthews team)

Sunday's result show was an interesting one for Ben, as he ended up in the bottom three. That means he was one of the three who had received the smallest amount of votes from the general public. When Rylan announced that he would be facing elimination his heart bounced up out of his chest and was currently somewhere in his throat, the pulsating causing his breathing to become irregular and choking him with fear.

He didn't want to be there, he knew choosing such an iconic song would set him up for criticism especially paired with the choice of staging. Look if you are going all out then a group of masculine dancers wearing lace bodysuits (and the occasional rose tattoo on a butt cheek) was definitely going to put him under the public microscope. But the judges loved it, he had received nothing but good comments from his fellow competitors and Callum. Well Callum was quiet when he came off stage, blushing slightly when Ben winked at him as he walked down the stairs to where Callum was waiting. But when they got back to the green room he was telling Ben how great he thought it was.

So Ben stood on his spot on the stage in front of the judges, waiting for them to make the decision on which of the three were going to be saved. Waiting for his chance to stay, or for the ground to fall out from under him. The cameras, and the audience and whomever was watching at home waiting for lives to change forever.

But Ben was saved. Two of the final three votes went to him, Motor choosing to save him over his other team member.

And Ben could breathe, waking now on Monday morning with a fresh head on his shoulders knowing now how close he could get to losing everything. Just as he was close to getting _everything_ he wanted, as the future he always wanted came into view. This was his chance, not only with the competition but with Callum and coming that close to the end of it all was terrifying. 

So he wasn’t going to lose it, wasn't going to find himself at the mercy of the judges choices, wasn’t going to lose Callum.

\-----

Ben walked into the kitchen late Monday morning, unable to ignore the grumble of his empty stomach and the thoughts as they were running through his mind,even though he was filled with renewed energy his brain was still as loud as always. But walking into the room it went quiet, as blue eyes and a large smile welcomed him in, like sunlight warming his skin on a cold morning Callums warmth blessed everything it touched.

He felt the need to be next to Callum, to press himself up against the other man, cuddle into his open arms as he sat on the stool next to the large breakfast bar was all he could think about. Mornings with Callum were one of his favourite times in their relationship, sharing cups of coffee and eating toast that had gone cold where it lay next to them as they chatted and kissed. 

They were the only ones in the room, and all Ben wanted to do was give in to that urge. He knew the cameras were there, knew they were being watched but in that moment he needed the closeness of the man he had loved, the man who he probably would love for the rest of their lives.

So he didn’t break eye contact with Callum as he walked across the room, walked up to him and gave in. Wrapped his arms round two broad shoulders, his hands landing on Callums back, feeling the muscles contract and move as Callum returned the hug. Felt Callums chest move against his as they shared a deep breath, was close enough to feel the beat of Callums heart stutter out a rhythm that he hadn't heard play for too long a time.

It only lasted seconds before Ben pulled away, looked into blue pools as they sparkled back at him, looked at a smile that reached those eyes, a smile that Ben wanted to fall into and never leave.

But he had to, had to pull away and not give the production crew something to wonder about. Wanted to at least give off the idea that it was a hug of thanks for Callum, a hug of congratulations for getting through for Ben. Instead of what it was, a moment of selfishness, a moment of trying to tell someone you still loved them without saying the words themselves.

Minutes later they were no longer alone, Ben was finishing up his breakfast when Eddie walked in. Callum was chatting about what was happening in the show this week, asking Ben about his plans for a song to fit the theme of Movie week. Eddie smiled stiffly at Ben before interrupting Callum mid sentence to whisper something in his ear.

Ben couldn't catch what it was Eddie said, only sensing the anger in his voice, the way Callum seemed to shrink in reply to what he was hearing. When Eddie had said what he wanted to say he pulled back from Callums ear and looked at Ben.

“It was Callum wasn't it? The ex you said you saw before your audition, that made you change your song and probably the reason you got through to the group auditions. Richie had to edit that part out, you know, they didn't want the potential drama and gossip to plague the show that early on but nobody had guessed who it was.” Eddie said all this without stopping, his eyes flitting between Callum and Bens. Hands gripped at the side of the breakfast bar next to Callum, his body language angry as he continued on “I didn't suspect anything, nobody did, but you seemed to forget that there are cameras everywhere. That the footage they catch has to end up somewhere. That stolen conversation in a dark corner, that brief kiss on the cheek in a badly lit backstage area will still be on a hard drive waiting to be seen.”

Ben recoiled at that part, thinking they had found somewhere on Saturday that nobody could see. Nobody would discover them or the truth of their situation. But somebody did, and the world that lay steady at his feet after Sunday's results show suddenly crumbled away.

“Eddie, please” Callum spoke, his voice breaking in a way that Ben hated to hear.

“No Callum, let me speak. Richie has to watch every snippet of footage you know, has to edit every single second into something for the bosses to use. He sees everything. He saw you.”

“Please, it wasn’t what you think it was” Ben managed to whisper out, trying to protect Callum, trying to save himself.

“He’s deleted the footage because I asked him to, because I need you to stop whatever this is, because Ben you have a really good chance of winning this and Callum, well you are my friend, you have been since you started in this company with me and I love you like a brother. I know this must be hard for you but i’m not letting either of you compromise yourselves for whatever relationship you had before.” Eddie continued on, moving towards where Ben was standing “But know this, I will not let my boyfriend cover for you again. This was your one chance, nothing happens between you until your time in the competition is over. I am not losing Richie his job because you two couldn’t keep it in your pants”

With that he put his hand on Ben’s shoulder and gave him a gentle smile “Ben you are so good, and I can understand the Callum thing because he’s a whole snacc but you are doing this for you, and Callum needs this job for him. So just wait, that's all i’m asking before you hurt more than just yourself” Eddie squeezed Ben’s shoulder before turning away.

“And Callum? Just consider everything, I know how broken you were over this, you’ve told me so over the last couple of years, so protect your heart because it’s a wonderful thing and i’d hate to see it go to waste” Eddie smiled wide at Callum, Callum trying to match it but not quite letting it reach his eyes, before Eddie walked out of the room leaving both men stood in silence.

\-----

A few hours later and Ben was alone in his room, he had hidden there for most of the day trying to sleep away the sudden migraine that had hit after Eddie walked out of the kitchen. He’d left Callum without even looking back, unable to quieten the anxiety that had hit as Eddie told them what Richie had seen, what Eddie had realised. He’d run away from the only person who could possibly help in that moment, ran away from the fear that was overtaking him and tried to reach solid ground before it cracked beneath his feet again.

Just once Ben wanted to be safe, wanted to not have to fight for everything, wanted his gold at the end of the rainbow. Sundays risk of elimination had set him on a scary path, surrounded by thorny bushes and a fog he couldn't breathe through. So he did what he always did, locked the door and ignored the wolves that came knocking. 

He woke a little after 6pm to a gentle knocking on his door, this time not accompanied by Frankie asking to be let in. He continued to ignore it until he saw a small note being pushed underneath, the paper matching the notes he had been recieving from Callum. He jumped out of bed as fast as his sleep drugged legs could take him, twisting the knob and pulling back the door before Callum could walk away too far.

Ben nearly burst out laughing at the face Callum pulled when Ben opened the door a little too eagerly as Callum still stood there with a raised fist about to knock again. 

“Keen aren't we?” Ben said, his voice a little crackly from not being used all day.

“Someone had to make sure you weren't dead, Frankie was already placing dibs on your wardrobe” Callum replied, smiling widely at Ben.

“Not dead” 

“Not dead” Callum repeated.

“Can you come in and talk though? About what Eddie said? There's no cameras on this floor so we should be okay”

Callum nodded his head and followed Ben back into the room, sitting down at the chair by the window.

Ben panicked, picking up items of clothing he had left everywhere.

“You don’t need to tidy up for me Ben, after all I know what you are really like”

“It’s been a while since I had a good looking man in my room babe, my brain panicked”

“Babe?” Callum choked out, Ben looking up at him as he did so as he realised what he said.

“See?” Ben tried to calm the situation down even though his heart was about to beat out of his chest “Brain panic”

“Ok, i’ll let you off then _babe_ ” Callum snorted out with a laugh and a huge smile.

“Shut it,” Ben snapped lightly, throwing a dirty t-shirt at Callums head.  
“Anyway” Callum said removing the t-shirt and looking at it “Ben, did you steal all my clothes because this is definitely mine”

“I bought it for you so technically it's mine, so it's not really stealing, merely borrowing it until I saw you again” Ben replied, a small blush rising to his cheeks.

“Oh so you were planning on seeing me again then?”

“I don’t think I could have spent my life without finding you again Callum, this competition just made it a lot easier”

“Or a lot harder Ben, as much as I love what it has done brining you back into my life, it’s also making it a mountain thats becoming near impossible to climb”

“Not completely impossible, plus I think its totally going to be worth it when we get there”

“Yeah?” Callum replied softly, looking straight at Ben.

Ben held Callums gaze as he walked across the room to where Callum was sitting,

“Yeah _babe _” Ben said rolling his eyes as Callum laughed. “Eddie was right about needing to protect your heart, but not from me, because it is kept with mine. Kept right here where it belongs” He stood in front of Callum, in between Callums legs where he was sitting, linking Callums hand with his own and placing them on his chest.__

__“If I had to choose” Ben started to say,_ _

__“Ben please don’t finish that sentence, you won’t have to choose. We are going to make sure no-one else finds out. Eddie had promised that he and Richie won’t tell anyone, and Eddie is right we only have to wait a few weeks until the end of the competition. And then”_ _

__“And then?” Ben repeated, leaning down so his face was closer to Callums, letting go of Callums hand to put both hands on Callum's face._ _

__Callum didn't reply, simply closed the gap between their lips and kissed Ben slowly. Ben sighed into the kiss, running the pads of his thumbs under Callums jaw, the tips of his fingers running along the back of his neck. The odd angle of the kiss knocked the lamp off the table next to them as Callum reached up to grab at Ben's shoulders to pull him closer._ _

__No-one on earth kissed Ben like Callum did, he felt loved, he felt wanted._ _

__He felt like he had come home._ _

____

\-----

_Category is “Movie week”_

_If I risk it all, Could you break my fall?How do I live? How do I breathe? When you're not here I'm suffocating,I want to feel love, run through my blood,Tell me is this where I give it all up? For you I have to risk it all, 'Cause the writing's on the wall._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lamp


	7. Chapter 7 "Then and Now"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Live show week 5
> 
> Category is Then and Now
> 
> Spotify playlist is https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4jRNorM9LpTGN3rwPJFzDt?si=vdrP6vQSRSiSnCf-7tsQLA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its late.
> 
> I have had a rubbish week, i lost the ability to write.
> 
> If you hate this chapter please don't tell me i'm fragile.
> 
> This week i have been mostly watching the ballum timeline in a live chat with my babies, they don't even know how much i love them. They are my soundboard and ground even when i'm the worst friend ever.
> 
> This one is for Kathryn, my sister who won't read this but I've just called her for Taylor Swift advice and called her a grass so shes now cackling because what follows is something she would totally do.
> 
> No beta reading, we die like warriors.

Through - Ben and Kathryn (Motors team), May and Tony (Sofias team) and Frankie and Bella (Matthews team).  
Bottom two - Tony (Sofias team) and Bella (Matthews team)  
Out - Tony

“Who pissed in his bran flakes” Frankie whispered in Ben’s ear as they sat on the sofa in the main lounge area.

“Who?” 

“Eddie” Frankie waved her hand at Eddie who was sat on one of the chairs opposite them looking over a pile of papers that were scattered around him.

“Oh, um, no clue” Ben replied “He’s just being Eddie isn’t he?Grumpy and quiet”

“Quiet?” Frankie snorted, drawing the attention of the subject of their gossip.

“He’s never quiet, something has got to have happened, he’s been like this for days now”

“Stop being so nosy Frank, he’s probably just missing his boyfriend”

“Oh god, don’t, my girlfriend cried on the phone last night because she misses me too much” Frankie pulled a sad face while she spoke, eyes starting to glisten.

“She’ll change her mind when you come home after winning this whole thing” Ben said reaching out to squeeze Frankie’s knee.

“Giving up the fight already Mitchell?” she replied placing her hand on his “I was hoping for a head to head final where you concede defeat in a puddle of tears”

“Me?Cry?Never” Ben laughed, slapping her hand away.

“You cried over Tony going home on Sunday Ben, you are fooling no-one”

“He was the only eye candy left in the house Frank, who’s am I going to drool over now?” Ben stopped suddenly, his eyes following Callum who had just entered the room.

“Oh, I think you will be just fine” Frankie replied laughing at the blush that reddened up Ben’s cheeks.

Ben shot Frankie a look that could have withered steel before getting up and leaving the room.

\-----

“Come on Mitchell, you are in the last five, act like you belong here, sing like you want to be here” Motor was shouting across the stage at Ben for the third time that week.

“Maybe I don’t want to be here, Motor” Ben snapped into the microphone.

“I didn’t pick you for your sense of humour so don’t fuck about Ben” Motor was stood from his chair now finger pointing at Ben.

“It wasn’t a joke, i’m tired”

“Yeah well i’m tired of this fucking song being murdered so just sing it the way it needs to be sung so we can move on to the next one”

\-----

“Taylor Swift?!”

“Taylor Swift!”

“Are they making you write 13 on your palm and sing about Harry Styles?”

“I could sing all day about Harry Styles but they haven’t given me that satisfaction”

“Oi” Callum said, poking Ben in the chest.

“Aw he’s got nothing on you babe” Ben said rolling over to press himself more onto Callum where they were laying on the bed in Ben’s room.

“You say that now but when you win you’ll be off to the US and will probably bump into him on some TV chat show and make him fall head over heels for you” Callum said, his mouth pressed into the top of Ben’s head.

“Cal” Ben said, pulling away from where he was lying to sit up and face Callum, pressing the palm of his hand to the side of Callum’s face. “Even if Harry Styles promised me the world I would turn him down”

“For me?”

“For you” Ben said before leaning forward and pressing a chaste kiss to Callums mouth.

“Zayn Malik however…”

Ben squealed as Callum pushed him off the bed.

\-----

The theme this week was Then and Now, acts had been asked to choose a musical act who had been around for a while and then perform two songs, one from an early album and one from a newer album. So Ben had chosen Taylor Swift, Motor didn’t really approve for personal reasons, but Ben got his own way in the end. As he always did.

So this week had been filled with rehearsals, costume fittings and practice performances due to the fact they would be singing twice. Ben relished in the increased pressure, the previous weeks had taught him that taking his anxiety and using it as a strength rather than a weakness was a way for him to fight harder than he ever had before.

But he was also fighting another part of him, the part that wanted to grab Callum by the hand and run away from this whole thing. As much as he had walked in the first day of auditions with the knowledge that he wanted this life. He wanted the fame and the career and the whole ‘name up in lights’ thing. He wanted the screaming fans, and the interviews and the talk shows. The red carpets, the movie premieres and award shows.

But when he closed his eyes at night that dream has been replaced. He closes his eyes and sees blue. Sees houses, and holidays, nights spent surrounded by family and friends, and nights shared alone wrapped between the covers of their shared bed.

His internal struggle between the love he has found for Callum and the love he has for singing is worming its way through into his waking day.

He wanted to be here, wanted to prove to himself and everyone at home who is backing him that he can do this. Wants to win because singing is all he ever wanted to do, but also being without Callum for two years and having him walk back into his life has changed his priorities. 

So finding the energy to put into his performances, match those of the other four acts as he watched their rehearsals from the audience seats. Finding the energy to fake smiles and conversation with the host of the extra show that aired on a sunday who filmed interviews and sketches through the week. It was becoming impossible.

The only time he felt happy was those moments he was stealing with Callum, kisses and whispered conversations outside of the prying eyes of Eddie. Goodnight kisses and Good Morning notes still pushed under his door. Callum was his constant, his distraction and his focus, his reason to stay in the competition. Not wanting to risk people finding out that if Ben leaves the reason would have been Callum.

He couldn’t communicate this to Callum though, didn’t want him to know what he was struggling with, so he carried on. Living two lives, living two storylines, two halves of one person having to become whole on a Saturday night at 8pm.

But Ben had been through worse, had lived whole lives and left more people behind than he had ever loved. Had lost the most important person he had ever discovered, relished in the fact that what was once lost had been returned to him. His broken heart being sealed with rivers of gold like kintsugi pottery. Helping Callum fix his heart the way he had made it come to life all those years ago.

So Ben could do this for Callum, could stay and live the life he had to live, safe in the knowledge that even if he didn't win. Even if he couldn't win. At the end of the day he would be walking out of this competition with Callums heart, walking out hand in hand with the man he spent his life waiting for. Ready to live whatever life they made between them.

\-----

“He better be worth this Callum”

Eddie turned to speak to Callum where they were standing in the crew room while the final rehearsals were taking place.

“I’m trying to turn a blind eye but Kathryn mentioned to me yesterday that she heard you and Ben talking in his room last night and how the hell am i supposed to cover that? I told you i am not risking my job for you to get your rocks off Callum”

“It's not that, it's not that easy Eds. You know what happened with Ben last time”

“Exactly Callum, if I had known all along that your Ben was this Ben I would have told our boss before now. I saw the mess he left after you went, I might not have been there right away but even three months after the break up when we met you were ruined Callum”

Eddie and Callum had met when Callum started this job, three months after the break up Callum needed a new start so left his old job working at an undertakers and took a giant stab in the dark working for a TV production company. Eddie and Richie had taken Callum under their wing and they spent many a night in each other's company trash talking Calum's ex and trying to set him up with their single friends.

Callum had deleted all signs of Ben from his social media so Eddie had never seen what Ben looked like, only knew the mess that he left behind. A heart that was broken and left behind. 

So Callum knew why Eddie was so upset, why he was so worried for Callum.

“I love him, that's all that matters”

“And he loves you?”

“He does”

“He better”

\-----

Then _Romeo, save me, they're tryna tell me how to feel, This love is difficult, but it's real. Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess. It's a love story, baby, just say, "Yes"_

Now _My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue, all's well that ends well to end up with you. Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover. And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me. And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for commenting.
> 
> I’m on tumblr as RachelIsWritingfic
> 
> And twitter as @ tonysthighs
> 
> I'm definitely going to be screaming about ee coming back tomorrow so come join me if you want :)


	8. Chapter 8 "You vs. The Judges"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Live show week 6 - The Quarter Finals
> 
> Category is You vs. The Judges
> 
> Spotify playlist is https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4jRNorM9LpTGN3rwPJFzDt?si=vdrP6vQSRSiSnCf-7tsQLA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its late AGAIN.
> 
> I have had a rubbish week, anxiety is a bullshit thing.
> 
> New episodes plus the ballum rewatch continues, i love my babybel and babykaykes more than a muchness.
> 
> No beta reading, we die like warriors.

CHAPTER 8 - QUARTER FINALS

Through - Ben(Motors team), May(Sofias team) and Frankie(Matthews team).  
Bottom two - Kathryn (Motor’s team) and Bella (Matthews team)  
Out - Kathryn 

Ben was sitting in the kitchen area on Wednesday evening, his day had been filled with rehearsals and he was finally able to sit down and enjoy five minutes of peace. The kitchen had become his favourite place in the house over the last few weeks, he would treasure the hours spent with Frankie chatting and joking about. As well as Callum he knew that Frankie would easily be one of the most important people in his life in the future.

He was also sure she was going to win.

Every week she smashed it, the twitter feed was consistently full of people declaring her their favourite act. People falling in love with her week after week, it was easily done Ben reckoned, her personality always shining through every second she was on screen.

It also meant it was incredibly easy for Ben to continue on in the competition. His inner monologue had been filled with Leave/don’t leave for days now. The angel and devil on his shoulder sat completely in agreement, an uneasy peace leading to a self satisfying moment of happiness. 

He could do this, he wasn’t going to win, but he was living his dream and leaving with his dream man. He wasn’t having to choose, he wasn’t wrangling with the knowledge that he could lose either thing. He was just going to see this through for as long as it lasts.

However as much as his inner self had found peace, the house that he lived in was filled with tension. Having to basically ignore Callum when they were in the same room with other people, ignore the urge to touch him, to be touched by him was basically a living torture. But Eddie was acting as Callum’s protector, a human homo-shield as he had called himself, Richie shouted out “Cock Blocker you mean, short stuff” which earned him a slipper chucked at his head.

But other people were beginning to notice his and Callum’s sudden closeness, so having to stop it was a necessity, saving everything for the moments that he could drag Callum into his room for a few stolen minutes of an evening. He has never been happier to be surrounded by empty rooms, especially now Kathryn the grass had left.

But May had noticed that Callum had begun to pull away from her to pay more attention to Frankie and Bella the other remaining act. Callum wasn’t exactly a tactful person so it basically looked like he was ignoring Ben and May for no reason, which pissed May off no end. A fact she shared with the group the day prior.

Callum had told him that May had pulled him to one side earlier that day, basically saying that she was developing feelings for him and she hoped that when the competition was over that if he asked her out on a date she wouldn’t say no.

Ben had laughed at this, then his brain went into overdrive.

“I told her no, babe, as if i would give this up for her, this is what i want” Callum had said stroking his thumb across the hinge of ben's jaw where he held him.

“How did she take it?” Ben asked, quietly as his voice broke with unspoken emotion. Wanting to scream that Callum was his, that he was Callum’s from the rooftop of the building.

“She took it well I think” Callum had replied.

She didn't take it well.

“He fucked me over, he gave me loads of attention, helped me throughout the competition, basically convinced everyone that he had feelings for me, and now he's left me in the dust” May spoke as everyone sat in the communal area.

“I had most of you tell me that he was interested so I’ve basically embarrassed myself for the past 2 months. And now I’ve got to focus on the competition? Well Fuck you Callum Highway, you should be ashamed of yourself. I should tell everyone on the crew what you’ve done to me, get you sacked for leading me on”

“What the fuck May” shouted Frankie from where she sat by Ben. “He did no such thing, just because you've been focused on a boy instead of what you should be focused on, convincing yourself that his baby blues where singing love songs to you every time you looked at each other is your own bloody fault. Trust me nobody gives a shit about this, and the fact that you brought it up like this instead of just speaking to Callum is a real stupid move. Sit your ass down, focus your brain on the competition you have made it this far and i want to be in the quarter finals with people whose head isn't up their own arse so leave it ok”

“Fuck you Frankie” May shouted as she turned to leave the room, “And don’t get me started on you Ben, you deserved to go months ago nobody likes you” she levelled the last statement directly at Ben’s face, right into his mouth open ready to reply.

“That’s what my girlfriend is for” Frankie snapped back, “and the second you start on Ben is the day you get yourself thrown through the window so you better back the hell off”

At this point Eddie had stepped up and stopped the arguing, shooting both Callum and Ben pointed looks before following May out of the room to talk to her. Frankie had left to go to her room, able to take a phone call to vent to her girlfriend. Ben had gone to his room, his door silent all night and no note pushed under it the following morning.

And now he sits alone again, just his thoughts to fill his brain, the gentle tick of the clock and the fridge the only noises he could hear. Callum had ignored him all day, May had been shooting lasers at him via her eyes all day, so his physical exhaustion was nothing compared to what he was going through mentally.

So he sat looking at a slowly emptying beer bottle, a small pile of ripped paper next to it on the table where he had been slowly tearing the label off. 

He wanted to go to sleep, wanted to take Callum with him to his room and spend all night wrapped together. But he knew that because the place was so on edge, everyone was on guard because of May’s outburst and Frankies reaction that it was impossible to risk that.

So he sat alone and waited.

\-----

Callum’s days were spent trying to focus on his job and ignore the growing buzz that was building every time he saw the way Ben looked at him. Trying desperately to do the job he was paid to do, the job he loved so much and ignored the magnetic pull that Ben always had.

But Callum knew at this point which was more important, the next two weeks being the biggest in his own career and also for the company he worked for. The tv show was a huge hit, the judges making headlines and trending on twitter every weekend, the contestants were also huge pulls for the hundreds of thousands of people that tuned in every Saturday.

Callum lived for this job, he read and absorbed every memo that went through his work email. Listened in on every conference call and meeting that he had to attend now almost daily. Tried to damper down the feelings that bubbled in his veins every time Bens name was mentioned. The higher ups loved Ben, loved the relationship he had with Motor. The arguments and the sniping that he brought to the stage every week when he fought back against Motors ever increasing criticism upon him.

Callum also could live without the flirting he did on stage with Matthew but that was also a big draw for the company, and also a massive thing on twitter so Callum just had to live with it.

But Callum was struggling with other things, May shaped things. 

Her breakdown and subsequent outburst in front of everyone had shocked him to his core. Eddie had tried to warn him about what was going to happen, the fact that May had considered them involved for weeks now. Callum had pulled her to one side, tried to explain that he wasn’t interested in her in that way, was simply trying to be her friend and confidant. But she wouldn’t listen to his attempts, accusing him of leading her on, distracting her from the competition so that she wouldn’t win. Callum couldn't convince her otherwise, his words falling on deaf ears.

Callum hated that he could make someone feel that way, he never thought that his friendliness and helpfulness could be considered anything else. Frankie and Eddie had been joking about it for weeks that she fancied him but he just laughed it off, he regrets that now. Regrets that his mind was that full of Ben that he couldn't see the person next to him was hurting so badly.

Eddie had calmed down a little after that moment, had supported Callum and listened to him all night. Sat him next to Richie on their shared bed and just listened all night, Richie and Eddie entertaining him and drying his tears. Fed him snacks and plied him with coffee and hugs. Eddie explained that it wasn’t his fault, that May had seen his personality as something else. That his friendliness can be viewed as a different facet when viewed through the heart eyes May definitely had when it came to Callum.

“Doesn’t hurt that you are hot as fuck dude” Richie has said which earned him a smack to the back of the head from Eddie.

Callum spent the night with the couple, waking up the following morning wrapped up in their arms and legs feeling more loved than he ever had before. “You are my best friend Callum, I’m always here for you” Eddie had whispered into the crook of his neck where his head was resting. “And you are stuck with me” Richie had said from his position behind Eddie, his hand patting Callum’s chest where it fell.

The days before the quarter final Saturday were quiet, he was busy as hell with work but in the moments he was alone he was quiet. He couldn't speak to May, she ignored him and slammed doors in his face whenever he tried to talk to her. He wanted to reach out to Ben, but everytime he saw the other man he was busy, running from rehearsal to rehearsal. Dance training to voice training, wardrobe fittings to stage planning.

So when he walked into the kitchen to see a familiar face sitting alone at the kitchen counter, he could feel the electricity sparking through the air and when their eyes met he couldn't help but smile.

Released a breath he didn't know he was holding and walked the small distance to where he was sitting and sat down next to him.

So he was still quiet, there were no words to be spoken, just placed his hand next to where Ben’s rested on the counter and hooked their fingers together. A place for them to touch, to ground each other as the world spun around them, something that could be broken if anyone walked in, but something for them.

A way to be quiet and alone, together.

\-----

It was Saturday night and the tension in the air was palpable, all of the acts had already performed one song and the audience were currently being entertained by a group performance from some of the eliminated contestants. A way of serving as a break for the acts to recoup and get some rest, and also a way of giving the people watching the show a glimpse of acts they hated or loved.

Ben was going to perform last for the night so was currently in wardrobe getting ready for his next song. His first had been received well by the judges, having performed a song chosen by them. He had struggled with their song this week, having chosen something he wouldn’t normally sing but managing to take it and make it his own by changing some of the words and the gender of the person the song was about. 

His second song was one that the audience had chosen, a public vote had been running on the show's social media platform that week and it was much more tailored to Ben. The audience of people watching, knowing what he loves, loves performing a song that has a message. It was funny that Ben was considered to have fans, even some of them considering themselves stans (as evidenced by the many fan accounts currently screaming about him on twitter).

So this song was chosen by them, but in all honesty it was a song he loved anyway, having performed it many times over the years already. So he had no fear, no worry that he was going to mess it up. But in all honesty he didn't care either way, he knew what his goal was now, and was just riding the wave until it dropped him wherever it crested.

His final outfit was probably his favourite, a call back to the outfit of the first week, leather jacket and ripped jeans. But this time the jeans were a lot tighter, the v of his white t shirt a lot deeper, the rips not just on the knees of his jeans but also up and down his legs. He felt good and when his eyes met Callum’s in the mirror in front of him he knew that he looked good.

He was dressed only for Callum, knew what he liked on Ben and what he didn't. And this? With the rimmed eyes and subtle glitter on his cheek, a small amount of nude lip liner to emphasise his lips? This was everything he knew Callum loved.

He broke their eye contact when he saw Frankie out of the corner of his eye, although the laser focus between them could have blown holes in the universe with its intensity. 

“Looking good Mitchell” she said wrapping her arms round his neck and shoulders, kissing him on top of the head.

“You too, Frank, although they could stick you in a bin liner and you’d make it work”

She didn't reply, just looked at him in the mirror softly. Their shared eye contact saying everything that needed to be said.

He rubbed her hands, stroked the delicate lace of the sleeves of her dress, trying to convey how happy he was to have met her here, the support he had found in her friendship. How much he loved her.

“You too Ben” she said, resting her cheek on the top of his head while stroking his cheek.

He must have said it out loud, but at this moment he didn't care.

“Still gay though soz” she said laughing.

“Me too bro, me too” he replied.

“In another world maybe?”

“I don’t know” Ben said breaking their eye contact to look where Callum was still standing “I’m pretty happy to be stuck in this one”

It was the following evening and Ben was stood on the stage with May next to him, watching as Motor and Sofia argued with each other over who Matthew should vote to keep in.

The public had given Ben the smallest amount of votes with Frankie the most, his happiness for her far outweighing the negativity brewing in his brain that all this might be over in the next few minutes. Motor continued his campaign for why Ben deserves to stay, Sofia did the same for May, Matthew sat quietly, the weight of the decision showing in the lines of his face, the downturn of his mouth.

Ben turned to May and reached out his hand, a stand of solidarity and apology for what had gone down and the moment they were tied together in, No matter the problems he had with her, the dislike he had felt, he knew what she must be going through right now.

She looked at his hand for a moment, before twisting their fingers together and squeezing it tight. He pulled her into a side hug, kissing the top of her head but not speaking a word.

Rylan was trying to interrupt the judges, the audience in the studio being louder than ever before, the screams of Ben or May ringing out in the air.

Before Matthew opened his mouth Ben turned his head to the side of the stage, finding blue eyes looking back at him. Feeling content at whatever may come he turned back and waited for the decision to be made.

\-----

_Category is You vs The Judges_

_Judges choice - Give me the ring on your finger, Let me see the lines of your hand, I can see me a tall dark stranger, giving you what you hadn't planned. I drank the potion he offered me, I found myself on the floor, Then I looked in those big blue eyes,And I wondered what I came there for_

_Audience choice - Can't count the years on one hand that we've been together. I need the other one to hold you, make you feel, make you feel better. It's not a walk in the park to love each other. But when our fingers interlock, can't deny, can't deny, you're worth it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look i have a giant crush on Bill Hader and Tony Clay, them (platonically) snuggling in bed together is something for me.
> 
> Thanks for reading and for commenting.
> 
> I’m on tumblr as RachelIsWritingfic
> 
> And twitter as @ tonysthighs


	9. Chapter 9 "Semi Final Saturday"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Live show week 7 - The Semi Finals
> 
> Group Performance with remaining finalists.
> 
> Group performance with dream guests.
> 
> Spotify playlist is https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4jRNorM9LpTGN3rwPJFzDt?si=vdrP6vQSRSiSnCf-7tsQLA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last but one chapter.
> 
> If you have made it this far then I don't even know how to thank you.
> 
> Yes i chose to rickroll an entire fic with my song choice for this one.
> 
> I have nothing to say but Yogurt and Crumple Bean = true love forever.
> 
> Also I have used my love for my beautiful babies to inspire a certain couple of paragraphs in this chapter.

Chapter 9 - The Semi Finals.

“Congratulations Ben,” Rylan Clark-Neal said, speaking into a microphone on the set of Shuffle Playlist, the sister show of Create New Playlist. “You’ve made it through to Saturdays semi finals, how are you feeling?”

How was Ben feeling? He honestly didn't know how to answer that. Sunday's results show where Matthew picked him to stay, choosing to send May home instead, had brought a deluge of emotions out in him.

Happiness, fear, guilt, relief.

“Excited, I think?” Ben replied, rubbing the palm of his hand through his hair, raking his fingers across the back of his neck, mirroring a move Callum does to try and calm Ben's anxiety. “I never thought I’d be here, never thought people would like me enough to put me through this far” 

This much was true. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine this, the farthest he thought he would go was a couple of weeks in before being dropped in favour of someone with more talent than him.

“Well I think you’ve proved that statement wrong, twitter is ablaze every week when you perform, people loving your bad boy attitude and snarky charm”

“Is that a direct quote?” Ben said blushing.

“I’ve been told I can't use direct quotes due to this being a family show,” Rylan said laughing into the mic.

“People are also shipping you and Matthew, the atmosphere between you seems electric”

Did it? This was news to Ben, he always flirts he supposed, finding it super easy to do so with Matthew, but never thought it showed as anything other than gentle banter.

The confusion must have shown on Ben’s face as Rylan followed up with “Although I prefer your relationship with Motor, the love hate dynamic you have is fire”

“He’s my mentor, I trust him with my life, literally everything I do on this show is because he respects me enough to trust my decisions, indulging my staging and wardrobe choices. Sometimes we don’t like each other, sometimes we argue and fight and I want to punch his face in, but I’m sure he would say the same about me”

“Again Ben, family show, but yeah he may have said something against those lines” Rylan replied giggling and gently pushing their knees together where they were seated.

“Your song choices are always great, but I notice they’ve gone from yearning and angst to something softer, have you always picked them yourself for a reason or does Motor decide them”

Ben didn’t know how to answer that without giving too much away, wanted to keep the reasons he picks his songs for himself. But he also knew that Callum was somewhere behind the cameras, watching the action as it streamed into the production room.

“Motor has always given me 100% free reign with my song choices. I’ve always wanted to make sure that I can connect to what I sing, make sure there is a message in there”

“A message for someone in particular?” Rylan questioned interrupting Ben.

“Yeah” Ben replied, placing his hands on his lap and twisting his fingers together, trying to ground himself to this moment with the repetitive motion. Looking directly into the camera “Yeah a message for someone,I hope they picked up on it” 

“You’ve been very open with your sexuality, always referring to the male pronoun while singing and flirting with Matthew. Was this a hard decision to make? Knowing that potentially an openly gay contestant might not make it as far as a straight male contestant?”

“I walked into the first audition and referred to an ex boyfriend,I wanted the judges to know exactly who I was,I lived a large portion of my life being afraid to admit I was gay and I just don’t think I should hide it. I get that the target audience of this show is female, but that doesn’t mean they are going to vote for me with the idea that they stand a chance to be in a relationship with me, they will vote for me because they like me. They like how I sing and how I look and the fact that I’m a gay man should not affect that decision”

Rylan looked impressed with Ben’s reply, reaching over and squeezing his knee, noticing at that point that his knee was bouncing up and down, stilling as soon as he felt the point of contact from Rylan.

“We didn’t see that part of the audition I don't think?” Rylan said looking at the production crew member next to the camera in front of him.

Ben knew why, knew that Richie had cut it from the show on Eddies request.

“Probably cut for time, I’m not that interesting” Ben said trying to change the topic of conversation.

“Ha I don't think that's true Ben, I’ve heard who you are going to perform with on Saturday. That they personally requested to sing with you”

This was news to Ben, as part of Saturday's semis they were going to perform with a well established singer. They were going to be performing together as a group first, all three of them singing as one team to show that they can work just as well together as apart. Then after the second performance they would be taken down to two acts ready for sundays live final.

He thought Motor had spoken to the act he was performing with, chased them down and convinced them to do it. But to find out they had come to the show to perform with him, personally requested him? The thrill that went through his body was uncontrollable, a shiver going down his spine and out the tips of his fingers.

“I’m not allowed to say who it is” Ben replied, hoping to come across as calm, the proverbial duck on still water “But I’ve had two video rehearsals with them, and let's just say I cried both times”.

Ben had cried, first with excitement then with fear. He wasn’t ashamed to say he was a huge fan, knowing exactly what song he wanted to perform with them. Loving the fact that this was also the song they had chosen for him as well, even down to the fact that had slightly altered the flow of it to make it work better with them singing as a duo.

The conversation continued between them for a few more minutes, Rylan asking about rehearsals and how he was coping emotionally and mentally throughout the competition. One of the people sponsoring the show was a mental health support organisation and they had been working closely with the production team (And Callum and Eddie) to make sure the acts were supported. Ben made sure to mention this, mention how even though his contact with the outside world was so little that he never once felt alone.

Which he hadn’t. Callum had never once let him feel that he was alone. Eddie always let him know he was just a knocked door away when he was needed. Frankie was the sister he didn't want but he had ended up with anyway and wouldn’t change her for the world.

They ended Ben’s interview with a small montage video of some of Ben’s performances, a mini version of what is normally shown when a contestant leaves the show. Ben couldn't watch it, not wanting to face the reality of what had happened yet. Choosing to keep everything that had come before safely packed away for now, compartmentalised away until he had the time to look at everything. Look at the good and the bad, the arguments and the happiness. 

Wanted to watch it with Callum by his side.

Judging but the fact that Callum was now standing just behind the camera he knew that he would always be there.

\-----

Ben stood backstage, stuck in the middle of a group hug with his fellow semi finalists Bella and Frankie. Ben had grown to love Bella over the last couple of weeks, especially during rehearsals for this mini group performance. She was a small welsh girl, all blonde hair and tinkly laugh. She was sweet and friendly, often saying things that made him snort with laughter wanting to bundle her up and take her home with him.

Frankie and Bella had formed a fierce friendship, both being in Matthews' team and they were opposite ends of the same spectrum. Frankie, also blonde with a personality that made Ben grateful forever that he knew her. She was brash in all the ways Bella was soft, the sharp blade in comparison to the soft edges of the other. Both cut from the same cloth, both making Ben forever happy that they existed, that they had accepted him for all his faults and wrinkles.

So here they stood, the final three, all having their different reasons for getting here but with the same goal in sight. So they took one final breath, the vocal coach putting them through their final warm ups just moments before, before they broke their hug, and with hands joined together they walked onto the stage.

\-----

Callum was stood in the green room, stood in his familiar position in front of the large screens showing the stage, his feet having worn a pattern in the thin carpet from where he paced back and forth waiting for the acts to take to the stage.

Eddie was standing next to him, having joined him after the group performance taking a small break to walk Ben backstage. Eddie had joined their hands together, something they did often, nothing more than a show of love and support, knowing that Callum needed that moment to ground him.

Callum’s eyes didn't leave the screen, it showed all of the camera feeds and he could see where they were setting up the stage for the band that was joining Ben for this performance. He could see where Ben was standing with the vocal coach, trying to iron out any last minute worries there might have been with this song.

Callum was so proud of Ben, knew how much he loved the act that he was singing with. He couldn't believe it when Motor had walked into one of their meetings and announced that he had been contacted by a member of the band enthusing about Ben and how they needed to be able to sing with him. His personality and humour instantly appealed to the lead singer, someone known for his cheeky humour himself. 

Callum had wanted to tell Ben, but the interview with Rylan was the moment that was chosen for the reveal, Ben thinking that it had been arranged for him, not because of him. This was a moment Callum couldn't miss, running to get as close to Ben as he could so that he could share the excitement with him.

He knew their performance was going to be great, had heard snippets while Ben rehearsed over Zoom with the band, had seen the way Ben’s eyes had lit up when the group had chatted to him on the phone the first evening after the interview.

So he stood with bated breath, fingernails making small crescents bitten into the skin of Eddie's hand where they remained clasped together. This was Ben’s moment, and Callum was so happy that he could see it happen.

\-----

Ben knew in the moment he watched Frankies performance that his chances to get through were over, Bellas performance outshining his own and the woman on screen singing with her idol was just magic. A moment that people wished for, their voices blending together as they sang like they had been brought together by an unseen force not just a small team on a TV show.

So Ben breathed deep, deeper than he had in weeks. Feeling a weight lift off his chest, the tendrils of anxiety and doubt slowly slipping down from where they had been wrapped around his shoulders and neck. His lungs filled with oxygen and the knowledge that he had made it, that he had done it, that it was done.

He felt a warmth next to him , knew it was Callum before he even turned to face him. He felt the air between them crackle with the electricity that always appeared when they were together. He felt the love that existed, the love that he knew was returned but they still hadn’t put into words. Knowing that as soon as it was said that everything was different.

But now, watching his best friend sing her heart out meant he wanted to be brave, wanted his heart to feel as free as hers.

“I Love You”

He whispered it into the space in between, the silence that filled the atmosphere around them making it so even though they were in a room full of people it felt like they were the only people there.

He didn't know if Callum had heard it, whether the pull of the magnets that linked them has overshadowed all other noises, like space, where nothing makes a sound he wondered if the silence was actually a noise so loud it overpowered everything else.

But then Callum simply linked their hands, a move that could be seen by everyone but noticed by nobody and whispered back.

“I Love You too”

\-----

The applause that echoed through the building when Ben’s goodbye video was played was deafening, shouts of support from the audience making it near impossible for Ben to pay attention to what was being shown on the large screen behind him. He couldn't focus on Rylans arms around him, passing on words of commiseration for not making it through to the final. He barely noticed when Motor joined them on stage, shaking Ben’s hand and telling him how proud he was for getting that far.

It wasn’t until Frankie and Bella took to the stage and nearly knocked him down with the force of their hug that he snapped back to reality. He was out, the moment he had thought he would dread had I happened, and he felt nothing but lightness, the peace overtaking his body as he realised it was over.

As the video ended and the audience calmed down Rylan asked Ben for his final thoughts, whether there was anything he wanted to say. With shaking hands he took the mic from Rylan, feeling Frankies hand squeeze his arm and the warmth of Bellas body as it stood close behind him.

He turned around to the backstage area, searching for something he didn't know until he found it. 

Blue.

Always Blue.

“Ben? Anything you want to say?”

Ben turned back, facing the camera that had moved round to film his reaction. He brought the mic up to his lips and started to speak.

“Thank you to everyone who has gotten me to this point, thank you to everyone who has voted and supported me through all these weeks. I wouldn’t be here without you and I am endlessly grateful. To Motor, my mentor, your respect for me and the help you have provided has pushed me further than I ever thought I could go, you might be a colossal pain in my arse but I’m sure you feel the same about me and I’m glad you picked me. My fellow contestants, thanks for making this time some of the funnest times of my life, we haven't always got on but this time was special, this moment was ours and I’m glad we spent it together. Bella, my new partner in crime, our shared love of angsty romantic dramas is going to bond us for life, I love you a huge muchness. Frankie, my partner in crime, you are one of the reasons I’m still here, you will never know how much you mean to me, love you. Eddie, you know what you did, I will be forever grateful.”

Ben stopped to wipe the tears that were falling down his cheeks, spared a glance to still see Callum stood there, wanting nothing more than to reach out and pull Callum towards him, to press into his broad chest and seek the comfort he knew would be waiting for him.

He continued on, knowing that this was going to be the last moments he would speak on the show, wanting them to matter.

“From the second I walked onto this show there was only one thing that mattered, all my life I wanted to win a show like this, I wanted to reach my dream of being this huge superstar. But that changed when someone I thought I had lost was returned to me. So all this time I have been living a dual life, my time spent on this show has been filled with happiness but not just becauseIwas living this dream, but because I was falling in love with the man I thought I would never see again. You might think I’m sad that my dream hasn’t been realised, butIlearnt long ago that the only prize I wanted to leave the show with is the one I won years ago. No matter what tomorrow brings I know that I won’t be alone, that the dream of being a superstar is nothing compared to the dream of being loved by you. Callum,I Love You,I always have and I always will. Nothing will ever come before you, you are what's important.”

With that he walked away from the noise that erupted all around him, the gasps of Frankie and everyone else on stage, and straight to where Callum was standing. Straight into a future that he thought was his past.

\-----

_Category is - Group performance - We've known each other for so long, Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it, Inside we both know what's been going on,We know the game and we're gonna play it_

_Category is You and the Stars - I've been in love with him for ages, And I can't seem to get it right, I fell in love with him in stages. My whole life_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week will be the epilogue, thanks for sticking around.
> 
> Thanks for reading and for commenting.
> 
> I’m on tumblr as RachelIsWritingfic
> 
> And twitter as @ tonysthighs


	10. Chapter 10 - Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue.
> 
> Spotify playlist is https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4jRNorM9LpTGN3rwPJFzDt?si=vdrP6vQSRSiSnCf-7tsQLA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well dear readers, its done.
> 
> Thanks for those who have been here from the start and those of you who have joined since. And even maybe those who are reading this in 5 years time HI FUTURE HUMANS IS THERE FLYING CARS THERE?
> 
> Not a word of this fic would have been possible without my babies Kay and Isabel, your support and pride has kept me going since the inception of this idea. I love you a muchness, even more than I love light wash denim and floof.
> 
> If you have any questions or comments you can ask them below or come say hi @ tonysthighs on twitter. Yes that is my username, its 8 months old now and I will not accept any criticism on it ;)

“Ben, why the hell have you just tweeted that if you vote for “Create New Playlist” in the TV Times awards show that I’ll sing a duet with you?”

“Because Cal, I’m giving the people what they want”

“What they want is for you to not make promise you can’t keep”

“I don’t know, I reckon I could convince you”

Ben was sitting in the living room of their new flat, while Callum had been in their bedroom building one of their many new wardrobes. Ben had been banished after building a drawer backwards, he's waiting for Callum to realise that it wasn’t entirely by accident.

The eight months after the show had finished had been hectic. Ben finishing third hadn’t slowed media or industry interest in him, Motor offered him a three album deal which Ben signed after a fortnight of indecision about it. The promise that Callum could join him on the tour that was to be scheduled alongside the second album closed the deal for him.

Twitter had gone into meltdown after Ben's leaving speech, with all the gossip and drama sites trying to find out who the mystery man that Ben was talking about. They didn’t have to search for long, Ben posting Instagram stories and tweeting about their relationship at the Finale show. 

Frankie had won, although it was a close split between her and Bella. Frankie asking Bella sing their final song together again after her win was announced, Ben joining them for the last emotional chorus.

They hadn’t lost touch, Frankie all over the country and various parts of the US as part of the marketing tour the winner had to partake in. Bella had also been signed to another label ‘Highway 65’ that appealed more to her music style.

Callum had been brought in front of his bosses in a tense meeting that lasted too many hours than Ben’s heart could take. He left the meeting with his job still intact, investigations having been done that he wasn’t assisting Ben in any way that didn't fall under the terms of his job.

They were about to start prep for the next season of the show, the first having been a huge hit. All the judge and crew were returning and Callum was excited for it to begin. He wasn’t looking forward to living away from Ben for that long, but Ben had argued that he would be busy writing and recording tracks for his first album so the time would go quickly.

They had moved in together as quickly as they could, choosing an apartment that was going to be just theirs, a fresh start for their fresh start. The beginning of a new chapter for them, something that they could build from the ground up together.

Ben was happy.

He’d forgotten for so long what that was like, but now he didn't think he would ever know any different.

Especially when Callum shouted him into the bedroom asking him for help with something. Only to find him down on one knee holding a small blue velvet box.

This was happy.

\-----

_When the sharpest words wanna cut me down. I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out. I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, this is me. Look out 'cause here I come, and I'm marching on to the beat I drum. I'm not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me dropping an obscure Nashville reference that know one notices? more likely thank you think.
> 
> Yes this was partially inspired by Max's instastory about making Tony sing if we voted for them!
> 
> So what did you think? Maybe one day I will come back to these pair. Is that something people would want, let me know!
> 
> Thanks for reading and for commenting.
> 
> I’m on tumblr as RachelIsWritingfic
> 
> And twitter as @ tonysthighs


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